If We Were On a Gmeet Chatbox – Life Musing #4

If we were on a Gmeet chatbox I’d tell you things have been pretty hard lately. I haven’t read many books either. And am unable to articulate myself most of the time.

I’d tell you that the strangest part is knowing you’re struggling and having people who tell you “we won’t go, take your time, it’s okay.” I am grateful but it all seems very surreal. 

I’d tell you finally SpeakNowTaylorsVersion dropped yesterday!!!!!!!!! I was waiting for it for the longest time and it all felt sort of unreal as we came closer to the release date. 

I remember taking myself to bed early so I could wake up on time and get ready to listen to the album as soon as it dropped. It was 9:30AM IST. 

I’d tell you that the experience of listening to the album is something I am still trying to grasp. Am not use to having people around me making me talk and trying their best to make me smile. So having people who are as stoked as me for the release feels too surreal.

I’d tell you that all I know about me listening to the album was that the experience was unlike anything I’ve had ever before.

I got introduced to her music with this album. But as soon as I got to know what happened somehow I quickly found myself never going back to the older version of this album. I’d want to put some songs off of this album on loop but I’d resort to clips. And skip those songs which she didn’t perform LIVE or the clips weren’t that good.

Am not one of those people who grew up with her. But I surely never expected my experience of listening to this album would be this wild.

This is the only word I can think of to describe it.

I’d tell you that listening to this album had me go through a fucking roller-coaster of emotions. There are tiny parts of it I’m aware of. And most of it is something I am still trying to make sense of.

Unlike her other releases, this one took me a little over five hours to get through. And I do not know whether I’d have even managed to listen to the entire thing if it wasn’t for the people who were with me. And the two of us listening together.

There is no song on loop, nothing about the entire album in my head. Tracks 8-13 were the hardest to listen to. With me saying “wtf was this?” at the end of “better than revenge” And I’m not at all use to having this kind of an experience listening to something.

I’d tell you that I’m pretty sure I’m never gonna be able to put this album on and listen to it from start to finish ever again.

I’d tell you that I kinda knew what Taylor had begun to mean to me. But it feels like this album ended up being a very-very strong reminder of that. As if Taylor herself is telling me that it has happened and I cannot help it now. 

I’d tell you that the fact that she was close to my age when she wrote and recorded it all herself is wild to me. Because there are people who are her age now and they go back to that time when this album first came out and who they were, there are people who’re rediscovering her with these rerecorded version, there are some who grew up with her no matter what age they are right now and I feel like I’m somewhere in the middle… trying to find comfort seeing her on the other side yet wishing things weren’t this way and I wasn’t here where I am, deeply relating to some of the songs on this album.

I’d tell you that I had no idea that her songs had so much power over me. I never paused so many times while listening to any of her works.

I remember listening to the entire album being teary and laughing awkwardly at “foolish one” because it reminded me of all the times I’ve been unwilling to talk and my friends urging me to talk, trying to make me learn to express myself. And this is something I still take super long to do.

“Innocent” reminded me of all the times I’ve just seamlessly fitted in, without even trying to. All the times I’ve just smiled and smiled and smiled, forgetting the entire world including my own. Times I’m having a hard time missing.

While “never grow up” had me wishing to be a 2-year-old again, or even smaller than that. Somehow Taylor singing that at 32 just felt even more different..hard. Too scared to grow up more, wanting to tell all those little kids out there to never grow up. 

I’d tell you that there is something about this re-recorded version which feels different. The kind of different which I still haven’t learnt to put to words. There is something in her voice. These lyrics which is just hard yet comforting.

I’d tell you that I still can’t talk about the album. What I liked and what I didn’t like as a whole. And I think it will take me far too long to get over it. I’ve no clue whether I’ll ever be able to get over it.

I’d tell you that as strange as it sounds, it somehow (for some reason) feels like I’ve stepped into some other world and somehow she knew.

I think it’s gonna be this way now? I’m not sure.

And oh, that last track on this album felt like someone has very seamlessly captured my entire life in a 5-minute video I *surely didn’t need to see, did I?

I’d tell you that I really don’t know what Taylor Swift was up to while rerecording this album. I like to think that she probably would’ve gone through a similar kind of catharsis (I don’t even know whether this is even the right word for this experience) while rerecording her version of “Speak now.”

I’d also tell you I’ve somehow ended up getting my first ever internship. Monday will mark two weeks of me working. And I’m happy I (so far) got a flexible environment to work in. and it’s blogging-related. So not that boring either. It feels too strange.. Too unreal getting one because that job and internship space is already so scary and hard and intimidating to navigate as a disabled person. Am glad I got one. I hope my brain decides to adjust and not feel like someday things will flip 😂

Though I still don’t get half of the things.. It’s all still kinda intimidating for me. Dunnow how people navigate this space. It feels too much of an adult world 😂

I’d tell you that as strange as it sounds or as cliché as it sounds I think I’m grieving about all the ways Twitter is changing. And I can only hope I am not the only one.

I’d tell you that there is something about this experience of watching this bird app change which is quite hard to put to words. It’s not even just a social media app. I think more than that it’s all the ways the little community I had managed to build and be a part of which is changing and which is making things a bit hard for me. As I’ve learnt so much from those people.

I’d tell you that I never knew it’ll be this way. Funny what all our brain decides to grieve about, ayh?

I’d tell you that I did not know I’d end up writing today. And I surely had no idea that most of this post is gonna be about SpeakNowTaylorsVersion.

I’d tell you that finding myself able to write a little made me smile. 🙂

If we were on a Gmeet chatbox, what would you tell me?

Feel free to comment below. Also, since that bird app is pretty uncertain, you can keep up with this blog via email. Especially since I’m not a fan of Instagram or Facebook and too weary to let my TL go or to make another account on another social media app, you decide which one 🙂

Khushi x