If We Were On a Gmeet Chatbox – Life Musing #5

If we were on a Gmeet chatbox I’d tell you that I’ve been trying to write this thing since yesterday. I’d tell you that writing hasn’t been happening in the way it used to for me since quite a while now so naturally I have been off from this blog. However, I do miss writing on here.

If we were on a Gmeet chatbox I’d ask you how have you been? 

I’d tell you that I’ve been pretty much alright. Life has been pretty chaotic lately. for the lack of a better word. Things in my personal life have been pretty bazaar. I know every time I write here I say “it feels like I’m in a different world” but honestly this past month (ish) has been pretty strange and has seen me in and out of different worlds at a rather fast pace. 

I’d tell you I haven’t been able to read books too. However earlier this month friends have tried to get me back to my books slowly. I’m grateful I’ve companions who never lose opportunities to remind me am not the only one in feeling the way I’m feeling. And it has just been lovely reading with one of them. Since turns out both of us haven’t been able to write or read and people say we’re pretty similar people. 

I’d tell you that it’s kinda cool to have a reading buddy sort of. Even though we read different things for now when your brain feels like a perpetually out of focus camera lens it is lovely to have some encouragement to read and someone present on the other side of the screen (yes we’re virtual all the time and its fucking so much fun) doing the same. 

I started reading “Color Purple” maybe the wrong book to get started with when you in a fucking terrible one of a kind never before experienced reading slump but I do relate to the book so even though I’m a bit slow than usual right now it does help knowing I can read a little.  Because books have been one constant throughout my life and it kinda feels very strange. Upsetting sort of when you can’t pick up but you miss you reading them fucking lots. Oh also this book is in my course and was already in my TBR. 

I’d tell you that while writing this post right now I realised I’ve forgotten to tell you that I’ve begun my 3rd year at college. And the only thing I’ll say is I loved Lit more when I came here than I do now. But then that’s me questioning hell lots right now so am hoping if nothing else I’m able to get my reading into place so that I don’t end up letting go of the joy books have always given me even though in future I don’t end up pursuing Lit in the ways I want to. Things are pretty dicey in my head right now so I really don’t talk often about my course.  🙂

I’d tell you that TAYLOR ANOUNCED THAT 1989 HER VERSION WILL BE OUT ON OCTOBER 27TH AND I CAN’T BELIEVE I WAS AT HOME AND CAUGHT THE ALBUM ANNOUNCEMENT FROM HER CONCERT LIVE WHEN HER TEAM WENT LIVE ON INSTAGRAM FROM THEIR ACCOUNT AND IT WAS THE FUCKING BEST MOMENT OF THIS MONTH AND THE WHOLE YEAR I GUESS AND IT TOOK ME SCROLING TWITTER TO MAKE SENSE OF WHAT I HEARD. AND I CANNOT WAIT FOR OCTOBER TWENTY SEVENTH TWENTY TWENTY-THREE. 

I’d tell you that the album announcement came at a perfect time. When she announced ‘speak now’ her version I wanted something to keep me going and even though I am still not over ‘Speak Now’ (I literally still only find myself going back to max 5 tracks from that album and I haven’t been able to still articulate my experience of listening to it) I’m stoked for 1989 her version!!!!!!

I’d tell you that it’s like I’m rediscovering her old music from these rerecordings’ and I’m grateful I’m getting a chance to do that. Even though I don’t right now find myself going back to her older music much in the way some people who have literally grown up with her do I feel like now that she holds this special place in my life which is so indescribable each of these albums somehow fit themselves in my life and I am curious to explore her pop era. 1989 does have some of my favourite tracks from her so am fucking stoked. Some of their’s meaning have changed for me since I heard them before. I think an experience universal to those of us who relate to her in a way we don’t relate to any other artist. And it’s like rereading a book you read in childhood well not as much for me but am sure for many others.

I’d tell you that queen Taylor reached 100000000 listeners on Spotify and became the first female artist to do so and am so proud of her. Its lovely and I feel like despite her popularity so much of her music and writing is still so underrated. So she deserves even more listeners who’d actually appreciate her poetry and music.

I’d tell you that I think there has been too many things for me to let go of. And I struggle with ‘letting go’ which I like to tell myself explains why it’s harder to go back to things I once went back to and drew comfort from. But I’m happy I have lovely people to help me through it.

I’d tell you that it’s very strange to suddenly fit in places you never expected or thought you’d fit in. and it’s pretty damn hard to realise how all of a sudden you are made to fit into so many places. Have so many ever changing (in a good way I guess) bonds with people around you. It’s kinda scary also that you’ll mess things up and the bonds are too precious so when you haven’t had fitted in ever till now this way you just want to let it go. But I’m slowly (very slowly) learning to tell myself that it’s okay. To fit in to feel comforted and belonged this way. Making deep close bonds with people outside of your family. And I hope I get there.

I’d tell you that I do have ideas for new posts. And some of them are very-very personal. So I don’t know whether I’ll ever write them let alone putting out there but I don’t have the kind of focus it requires for me to even write that. I right now find it easier to sometimes try to write these posts on here. 🙂

I’d also tell you that the other day I discovered Gracie Abrams and I have been literally listening to her on fucking loop since the past 2-3 days ever since I first discovered her. GOD I LOVE HER SO MUCH ALREADY AND TAYLOR JUST CHOSE THE BEST PERSON TO OPEN HER TOURS OML!!!!!!!!!! I know I live in my comfort zone so I never clicked when her songs got recommended to me and boy do I wish I clicked earlier?

She’s such a lovely-lovely woman and I’m happy for her. And happy our beloved queen Taylor did what she did. I’d tell you as I write this ‘I know it won’t work’ is playing in my head. 🙂 she has such a lovely voice.

Um oh yes I think I found another person to fangirl over on here 😂😂😂😂. But hell yeah she’s fucking lovely am telling you!!!!!!!!

So like me if you’re still sleeping over her GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LISTEN TO HER!!!!!!!! *only if her kind of music is to your taste and you are in the headspace to listen to very vulnerable raw lyrics. *

I’d ask you to tell the universe to bring October soon even though I still haven’t gotten over the July release. And part of me still feels unreal that she’s giving us *THIS* album ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Taylor knows I am forever on the lookout for constants to keep me going, isn’t it?

I’d tell you that even though literally the entire world makes you feel the opposite of this please please please please know that the pandemic still exists. And it’s very confusing to live in an environment where people have been successful in creating a reality so different from the reality itself. Isolating honestly to know more often than I’d like to admit I’m the only one masking and trying my best to take precautions. 

If you are like me I’d send you much love and tell you you are not the only one being judged and even sometimes discouraged to take precautions from your own family. I’d tell you to be safe as a new strain (unsurprisingly) comes up and we’re left to deal with all of it on our own.

I’d tell my fellow disabled and chronically ill and high risk pals.. People who are still shielding to take care of themselves as much as they can amidst what we’re living in.

I’d tell you that as strange as it sounds I find myself going back to William Blake’s “London” so often these days that it’s surprising. Because poetry is something I never picked up or thought I’d relate to (because it’s generally pretty intimidating for most readers including me) Finding myself relating to Taylor the way I do I never knew I will ever relate to some poem this way. But I’ll admit I do end up going back to the poem often specially in these past quite a few days.

I’d tell you it feels like I end up relating to things after I’m done studying them.. I kinda don’t know how to put it. But it feels like this poem has sort of grown on me in this strange way. Wish it had when I studied it and wrote an assignment for it lol. Even though I still don’t know how to articulate much of what this poem makes me feel.

I’d tell you that I myself realised today that I do go back to the poem in my head. Even if I don’t go back to it in the literal sense of “going back”

I’d tell you that this post has been soooo scattered 😂😂

If we were on a Gmeet chatbox and have made it this far reading means I’ve made it this far writing. Which looking at my current headspace is a lovely thing. 🙂

I’d tell you it has been very-very comforting knowing I’m still able to write something on this little corner on the internet because right now for now I really wouldn’t want it to be one of the things I’d have to let go of. I think I already have plenty of them. And plenty lots to get used to, too.

I don’t know when I’ll be able to write on here next but thank you for sticking around and reading 🙂

If we were on a gmeet chatbox what would you tell me?

Until next time,

Khushi x